oh my god.

can i repeat that? OH MY GOD!

let's talk a little about jim here. for those of you that know me well, you know several hard and fast jim rules:

1. jim doesn't dance
2. jim isn't coordinated
3. jim lacks grace
4. jim automatically distrusts that which he doesn't understand

i know these aren't GREAT rules to live by, but they serve me well. my nia class at world's gym broke all four of the above rules. let's break it down here.

ONE
i don't dance. i was raised in a very conservative christian household. although my parents never explicitly forbid my brother and i to dance, they never encouraged it. (i put that caveat in because my mother is right now having a heart attack because she believes i'm once again bemoaning my childhood. this is not the case. i'm just saying that dancing was not a part of my upbringing.) so i never took dance lessons; my parents never taught us to dance, and i never had the inclination to pick it up on my own. for the record, my parents are great dancers. i, on the other hand, am a buffoon. (see point two.)

TWO
i am not coordinated. i have two left feet. it is a chore for me to walk an chew gum.

THREE
i lack grace, both social and conventional. when forced into a situation, where i am forced to be nice to someone or about something that i am not pleased about, i rarely suck it up, raise my glass, and just be the bigger person. when i attempt to do this, i feel it comes off stilted and befuddled. oh well. as for grace of motor function, lumbering oxen are ballerinas comparatively.

FOUR
i dismiss that which i don't instantly trust. kavita calls this my "judgementalness." i would agree. it's my own defense mechanism. i'm trying to cut it out of my life because it doesn't always serve me well, but that is a long process, my friend.

okay... now that you have a firm jim backgrounder, let's progress through this tale. so i walk into this nia class tonight. my friend, heather, has hinted that it will be some yoga mixed with "some dance." i thought to myself, "that which doesn't kill me, only makes me stronger." how could i have been farther from reality here?

you've all been to or seen a or have an idea what an aerobics class entails. my class last night was about twenty people of varying skill levels trying to keep up with an instructor that could snap you in two with their fingers. that's what aerobics is, right?

here's a definition i found of nia on the web. do with it as you will. :-)

NIA is conscious movement that blends principles of tai chi, aikido, tae kwon do, jazz, modern dance, and yoga. This class will give you an aerobic workout. NIA is freeing. NIA is fun. NIA is Neuromuscular Integrative Action - the process of connecting the body, mind and spirit through movement. This healing art redefines fitness by empowering each individual physically, mentally and emotionally to open the heart and mind. In this way, bodies change, not just on the outside but from a place deep inside where changes become permanent. Eastern martial arts and Western dance techniques have been explored to create mover-friendly moves combined with sound, breath and an eclectic blend of world music.

let me lay out the demographics of my nia class tonight:

• one 60 something year old man
• one 48 year old woman
• her "care giver" (i too have no idea what this means. this is what the instructor called the man she was with.)
• a woman in her late 20s.
• me

the instructor looked vaguely familiar. the chart said her name was liz, but ... the instructor turns to me, and says, "oh my god, jim, what are you doing here?"

i look for a crevice to wedge myself into. it's an old roommate of mine. so not only do i have to stand out conspicuously in this crowd of five, an old roommate of mine will be presiding over what will certainly be my greatest humiliation. the class hasn't even started yet, and i'm already embarrassed to be here. i can do it. i'll be strong.

the class starts. there is LOTS of dance steps in this class. i'm a clodhopper. i'm also the only one wearing shoes, so my painfully out of sync stompings reverberate throughout the room. the class consisted of lots of dancing, some chi energy nonsense, and lots of moving back and forth at your own pace. it was like a new age ho-down, and i was caught in the middle of it.

what possessed me? didn't the fact that kavita showed no interest in this tip me off even a little? no, no, it didn't.

so i get about eighty percent through the class. i don't feel like i can walk out because i know the instructor. i'm feeling pretty good about this. i'm kind of getting into it. when the instructor beckons me to "shake my tushy," i do it. i'm kind of even getting the dancey aspects of the class. for a brief moment i think, "you know this isn't that bad."

i all of a sudden hear a rapping on the glass back wall of the exercise room.

einstein really knew what he was talking about. the seconds turned to hours as my head slowly turned to see ... my friend, dan, at the window waving at me.

OH MY GOD! how long has he been there? did he see me flutter my hands above my head? did he see me trip over myself every time the instructor made us "cha-cha-cha" towards the back? i wave at him. i smile. my ego shrinks to the size of a marble. it's one thing to be doing something you're not comfortable with; it's another to have colleagues you respect spectate why you clumsily trip your way through that thing that makes you uncomfortable. so what do i do now? do i leave? do i go out and make a "i'm just here for the chicks" comment? or am i really going to have to admit i came here of my own free will against the advice of the all knowing kavita just to be humiliated in this way?

nope. i used the chicks line.

better yet. dan was with a friend that he has been wanting me to meet for a while. so not only did i make a jackass of myself in front of dan, ...

afterwards, brian, lane, and i retired to the dog and duck pub where we sipped ardbeg scotch and drank pale rye beer. i ran into a large excite consortium at the dog and duck. could there be conspiracy brewing?